I’m holding it together

Kind of. I’m doing a lot better. Been going out and seeing people. The last few weeks have felt like they lasted a long time and that I have done things in a lot of the days. I write them down in my mood diary on my phone. In the months over the winter and spring, the days and weeks just blurred past and I didn’t even notice.

I’ve been feeling self-destructive and have thoughts about hurting myself and sometimes about killing myself. If I think about the future, I still go down the old path of thoughts where I end thinking that I have no choice but to kill myself and that I should just get on with it. But it’s not every day and the last time I had a few days of thinking I should kill myself I was also thinking “maybe I have PMS, maybe this is just PMS” which is actually pretty new for me. This all feels pretty new and kind of unsettling. I don’t think I know how to cope with a more normal mood. That’s frightening. I have been stuck in this pattern with my thoughts and feelings out of control for too long.

Some of the things I’ve been thinking about is to bruise myself visibly, on my face. It’s attention-seeking. I want people to notice that I’m still struggling with my thoughts. I want them to tell me it’s okay to still be rough even though it’s been going on for so fucking long and that they believe me. I don’t feel anyone would believe me. I don’t really know what to say about what is still wrong just now.

I have so many good things. I have a new support worker and they are medium to long-term (in my terms, don’t know what they call themselves) so I feel like something good and safe is starting now. I’ve only had three appointments with them and I can already feel it steadying me and keeping me going. I can’t even say what it is about them that makes me feel steadier but something is. I’ve got back in touch with some of my old friends and nobody has turned me away and rejected me. They’ve all replied and said it was good to hear from me. I feel like D is glad to see me though I still hear the thoughts of “she’s not really, doesn’t mean it, just saying it to be nice”. I’m spending a lot of time with my sister and she seems keen to see me. She’s been suggesting meeting up and I don’t feel like I’m making her do it. I just went outside to have a cigarette (that should count as a bad thing but fuck it, I don’t feel particularly bad about starting up smoking again other than the money) and it was so nice and cool and breezy. I was panicking about the heat-wave and thinking I’d never cope with it but I’ve been coping and keeping going, at least to some extent. I didn’t give in to the panic entirely. I’m not totally hating myself, just mostly ;-) I actually mean that, I have some thoughts that are nice to myself. They seem to come out of nowhere. I found some bras that fit and make my chest look better which makes me pleased. I was feeling really lonely about being in my flat alone but I spent some time with a L is his flat, just hanging out, and got bored and when I went home, I was pleased to be home. I appreciated having my own flat with just me in it. I am luckyluckylucky. But is that all, you are so pathetic.

I had an appointment with my CPN today. I tried to talk about what is still wrong but it felt like she kept changing the subject away from it. It feels like she didn’t want to hear it because it was her last day before going on holiday and she just wanted a chatty, cheerful appointment. I need to watch that. She’s not my friend, she’s my nurse. If I have bad things to say then she should help me say it. I shouldn’t have to be chatty and cheerful to please her. I was seriously suicidal a few weeks and was back with the crisis team so it’s not that unreasonable for me still to have bad things to talk about. I’m afraid of what this means. But I’m not panicking about it, I’m thinking “I will watch out for this, maybe I can sort it out if it becomes a bad situation”.

See, I’m holding it together.

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