The Little Book of Abuse

December 4, 2011

‘The Little Book of Abuse” by Jasmine Birtles published by Boxtree in 2000.

“Look at him. Living proof that Care in the Community doesn’t work.”

“Uh oh. A couple of clowns short of the full circus, aren’t we?”

“Now do you see what happens when cousins marry?”

“Your intellect is rivalled only by gardening tools.”

“Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we?”

“I can hardly contain my indifference.”

“I’m not taking advice from you. You can’t count to twenty-one unless you’re naked.”

“When they made you they broke the mould… but some of it grew back. “

“If I want to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet, I’ll put shoes on my cat.”

“As an outsider, you do you view the human race?”

“You look familiar. Didn’t I dissect you in biology?”

“When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.”

“Have a drink with you? I’d rather suture my own boils.”

“Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.”

“Do I look like a people person?”

“You! Off my planet!”

“I like children too. Let’s swap recipes.”

“Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe.”

“Why don’t you go home and tell our mother she wants you?”

“And your cry-baby, snotty-nosed opinion would be…?”

“I’m not mad, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for thirty years.”

“Do they ever shut up on your planet?”

“Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.”

“Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.”

“Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.”

“I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.”

“I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.”

“Back off! You’re standing in my aura.”

“Don’t worry, I forgot your name too.”

“How many times do I have to flush before you go away?”

“I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?”

“You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.”

“I never forget a face and I can remember both of yours.”

“Macho Law forbids me from admitting I’m wrong.”

“Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?”

“Too many freaks, not enough circuses.”

“Just smile and way: ‘Yes, Mistress’.”

“Chaos, panic and disorder – my work here is done.”

“Mummy, I want to grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.”

“Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.”

“Did I mention the kick in the groin you’ll be receiving if you touch me?”

“You look like shit. Is that the style now?”

“Is it time for your medication or mine?”

“And which dwarf are you?”

“How do I set a laser pointer to stun?”

“If I said anything to offend it was purely intentional.”

“Do you know, I went through the bargain bin and didn’t see that one.”

“Have you got a minute? Tell me everything you know.”

“Earth is full. Go home.”

“Gene police! Get out of the pool!”

“That’s a fun outfit – it’s fancy dress, right?”

“Men have feelings too. But hey, who cares?”

“Nice dress. Are you hoping to slim into it?”

“Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.”

“What a pretty maternity dress… you’re not… oh well.”

“Next mood swing: six minutes.”

“I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.”

“He is so ugly they printed his face on airline sick bags.”

“I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.”

“Speak up! You’re entitled to your own stupid opinion.”

“I hate everybody, and you’re next.”

“And your completely irrelevant point is…?”

“I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re okay now.”

“Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.”

“Of course I don’t look busy, I did it right the first time.”

“Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?”

“I’m multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.”

“Do not start with me. You will not win.”

“How can I miss you if you won’t go away.”

“All stressed out and no one to choke.”

“You’re one of those bad things that happen to good people.”

“You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.”

“If we are what we eat, you’re fast, cheap and easy.”

“You, David Mellor, Michael Winner – in an ugly competition who’d win?”

“I heard you had a thought once but died of loneliness.”

“I’m so happy I could kill.”

“Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.”

“Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.”

“I’m not your type. I have a pulse.”

“I don’t know what  your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.”

“What would I do without you – apart from be happy.”

“You’ve got all the personality of a wet wick on bonfire night.”

“Please, keep talking. I need the sleep.”

“Yes, it looks like a willy, but smaller.”

“I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.”

“Go out with you? How about never? Is never good for you?”

“I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.”

“I’m really easy to get along with once you learn to worship me.”

“I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.”

“It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.”

“I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.”

“I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.”

“You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.”

“I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.”

“I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.”

“I will always cherish the inital misconceptions I had about you.”

“Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. NOW GET OUT!”

“The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.”

“Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.”

“What am I? Flypaper for freaks?”

“I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.”

“You sound reasonable… time to increase the medication.”

“Does your train of thought have a dining car?”

“Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.”

“See, you should never drink on an empty head.”

“He’d be out of his depth in a car park puddle.”

“He’s not so much of a has-been as a definitely won’t be.”

“You have delusions of adequacy.”

“She has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.”

“You’re depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation wouldn’t cure.”

“Nice girl. If she had tow more legs she could star in a Western.”

“I’d like to say something nice about you but you haven’t paid me enough.”

“He’s a man of few words –  but not few enough.”

“Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?”

“So I’m slow. You’re ugly, but do I ever mention it?”

“Are you usually this stupid or are you just having a blond moment?”

“I may not be the best-looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.”

“Just because you smell like an ape it doesn’t mean you’re Tarzan.”

“Nice girl – has a face like a cobbler’s thumb.”

“Is that your face or are you trying it out for an ugly sister.”

“It must be a thrill for you to know someone who wears underwear.”

“Wow, you’ve been hit really hard with the ugly stick.”

“You’re like a empire – flash, empty and a disappointment to millions.”

“Is that a goatee or has a bird just crapped on your chin?”

“Nice hair. Was it that shape when you bought it.”

“I just don’t hate myself enough to go out with you.”

“Please don’t try and kiss me – I’ll only laugh.”

“You’re so dull you couldn’t entertain a doubt.”

“You’ve got the personality of a dial tone.”

“You’re not paranoid. Everyone does hate you.”

“She has the face of a saint – a St Bernard.”

“His nose is so big he can smell the future.”

“Is that your nose or are you growing a third arm?”

“I like you – but then I’ve never had any taste.”

“She’s got a face like a smacked arse.

“He doesn’t act stupid, it’s the real thing.”

“One more facelift and you’ll have a beard.”

“Go on, I know you like me – I can see your tail wagging.”

“I’m fond of him, but not as much as he is.”

“The less I see you the more I like you.”

“Use your brain. It’s the little things that count.”

“If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t you happy?”

“He won’t bore you with a long speech – he can do it with a short one.”

“I’ve never seen anything as ugly as  you without paying admission.”

“You’ll never be as old as you look.”

“Taste? I’ve seen crab dressed better.”

“He’s not himself today, thankfully.”

“Oh, please save your breath to blow up your girlfriend tonight.”

“You’ll never make Who’s Who but you might get into What’s That.”

“Her face bears the imprint of the last man who sat on it.”

“Would you mind standing downwind?”

“Be reasonable. Do it my way.”

“Since I gave up hope I feel much better.”

“I’ve had a lot to drink, and you’re beginning to look human.”

“If you don’t go away and leave me alone I’ll find someone who will.”

“I never forget a face but in your case I’m willing to make an exception.”

Fuck, I was bored.