The psychiatrist I’ve had for the last year and a half is moving to another job. I had my last appointment with her yesterday. I’ve had a bristly relationship with her and yesterday was probably the best appointment I’ve had with her in terms of rapport and getting myself to speak with more openly without self-censoring and second guessing everything.
This last year and a half isn’t the first time I’ve seen Dr E. Several years ago, she was the consultant in charge of my area’s particular version of the crisis team and I saw her a few times then. I also saw her once when my own psychiatrist was on holiday and he arranged for me to see her. I can’t really remember much about those appointments and I don’t think there was anything remarkable about them. What stuck from that time was that her then registrar diagnosed me with emotionallly unstable personality disorder the one and only time I saw her but that only appeared on one GP letter and was never mentioned again. It was not even mentioned to me and I only found out about it a couple of years later when I read my notes. I was pretty fucking pissed off about it, but that’s another rant.
The most bizarre thing about Dr E was that she used to be my ex-boyfriend’s psychiatrist. That was about ten years ago and predates any of my appointments with her. Still, it always seemed kind of weird to me: a bit of a strange overlap. The really weird thing is that she intensely reminds me of my ex-boyfriend’s mother. Same accent and voice and similar appearance. I didn’t get on very well with my ex-boyfriend’s mother, neither did he, and that my new psychiatrist was her doppelganger gave me some easy jokes. Really it was all pointless posturing from me.
I had some bad experiences with psychiatric services a couple of years ago and I went from “well of course you should trust your doctor, why wouldn’t you?” to “why on Earth would I trust this random stranger I have just met?”. I don’t want to trust them, I want to keep away from them. I think? But I’m frightened too. I’m conflicted ;-) I’m really questioning that now after the last few appointments with Dr E. But it seems like I can only go very slowly in my thinking and like I’m very unsteady in coming to any conclusions.
So, lucky Dr E had me paraphrase the above in my first appointment with her eighteen months ago. I think I was distant with her. I didn’t really volunteer things and I didn’t expect her to make any good difference to my life and I made that clear I think. God, I sound like a bitch when I put it like that. I think I said to her that it wasn’t personal that I had a problem with psychiatric services now but I suppose it was always going to be at least a little bit personal. But she did try with me. I really feel that she tried with me and put in effort. Writing that makes me feel tearful, I don’t know why. Like “wow, someone put in effort with me”. I wasn’t easy and I described myself as “petulant and annoying” to her. I was a bit taken aback when she agreed with me about the petulance. I can be immature and I think I was passive aggressivly blank and withdrawn at her a lot. Fuck, it sounds so pointless now but for those first appointments I couldn’t even start to see myself thawing towards a psychiatrist or saying anything to them that I hadn’t analysed and checked first.
I think she started to win me over a few months ago by saying that she realised that “time was marching on” and that “you don’t ask for much”, “you have talents and intellect” and “you could do something [worthwhile]”.
I feel sad now. Like I didn’t make the most of this psychiatrist and that I should have done more. That maybe the next one will be bad and I’ll really regret it. The next one is a man. I don’t think I like that. Maybe he’ll be fat though. That would be great and I think would make me feel more comfortable. Not that a fat person is necessarily fat-friendly or fat-neutral but I feel like there is more chance of it and at least they are more likely to listen if I talk about what it’s like for me to be fat.