Another phone conversation with J

May 21, 2011

Edit: I have left this as I wrote it at the time. It really is a rambling stream of crap but that is what was inside my head. It makes me uncomfortable to read it and I don’t like how it makes me look.

I have got to be one of the most useless people ever. People have offered, or at least kind of offered, me help and I don’t even know how to accept it. Or how to make myself accept it.

I remember the night that me and J broke up. I remember screaming at him and how much relief I felt. Like something was broken or released. I felt kind of breathless and dizzy from the relief it was so strong.

Surely if I know that then I wouldn’t keep doing what I am doing now. I keep not telling people. But telling J that I feel so bad is pointless. The J that I want to tell is gone now. He is years in the past and doesn’t exist now. My J is gone now and is past. The new J that is J now isn’t like that anymore and is a different person. I want my old J back. I want that J just now but I know we weren’t happy and I know that our relationship wasn’t a ‘good’ relationship by any of the standards around here.

I have no idea why I just did that. Why I played out that conversation that was in my head into reality. It didn’t even go as I planned I think but then the plan keep changing as I never remembered it completely anyway. The last conversation with J I was sitting in this chair and I cried afterwards too. I said “Snip” out loud as I imagined the link between us removed. Which is totally stupid now I think about it. But I want the old J and not the new one. I think I am still in love with J and he is not in love with me anymore. He keeps saying that. Keeps on saying it over and over. It hurts me each time and it used to hurt me – I should have seen that. I thought we would get back together. I really did. And we won’t. Oh but maybe we will says my head. No, we won’t. He doesn’t want me. It wasn’t a good relationship. I couldn’t make myself get better when I was in that relationship. Make my head say that now instead.

I am so utterlly useless at being an adult. So completely and utterly useless at it. I don’t know how to do the most basic stuff and I can’t work out hwo to make myself do it. I shouldn’t be alive. Like the rollercoaster metaphor. I want to get off. I can kind of see that I had a sort of logic in keeping my distance from J (the new J, not my old J, he doen’st exist anymore, keep up inside head) as I kept letting myself think that we mgiht get back together, that he really was the ‘old J’, that there was help that way. Asking J for help won’t help. It won’t be productive, will it? He doesn’t know what to do and neither do I. It won’t be productive. We might end up sleeping together again and then I will just be back to the beginning of trying to not be in love with him anymore. Separate myself from him? Is that what I mean. I must have shitty personal boundaries. Maybe I really do have borderline personality disorder. I can’t keep on one subject, my head just drifts around. Looking for something nasty.

I shouldn’t phone J back and ask (… beg …) him for help. Is it just some kind of pride? Is it actually sensible? Do I even want help or do I really just him? I know I should want help that I need help. But I don’t want it. Asking for help from J (even if I could work out how to do it) wouldn’t be productive. It isn’t there. I am stupid. I am useless. Those thoughts are actually much less bad than “there is no help”. I don’t really wish for anything. I wish I was a different person. Not this one. I don’t understand. That is the only thing I’m sure of.

This is what I tried to tell him (and myself): 1. we should have space from each other and that is a good thing; 2. space will stop us sleeping together and we both agreed that sleeping together was a bad thing (though part of me still wants to though not for the sex but because I am lonely and I want the old J back); 3. space from each other is not some kind of punishment I am inflicting on J (I don’t know if this is true because it makes me feel a bit better to know that he does want to see me and that I don’t have to do that just because he wants to). Am I making him feel bad to make myself feel good? That wouldn’t even be punishment anyway, isn’t that some kind of cruelty or mind game? Back to the point, it makes me feel less powerless to know I can take myself away …. oh crap. “Take myself away” … that is something I said once to a psychotherapist years ago. It’s what I did when I was bullied when I was little. I was just little, a stupid little girl that didn’t know what to do. So I “took myself away” and detached and avoided. Protecting them from me and protecting me from them. J said that too today. But it is safer to be alone. I should be dead. This isn’t good, my head isn’t good. But I wanted this, I wanted to make this happen. I’ve been making it happen for years. Years to get here. It’s not very nice here. I can’t stay on one subject, for fuck’s sake.

Should I be wishing I had someone to talk to? Is that what this mystical mythical “help” is in the end? I confuse those too words. Could never find the healing potions on the auction house. My almost constant daydream is that I’m talking to someone – it has been J, my CPN, my psychiatrist, D, my sister, my mother … It’s very uncommon that I ever actually say those things to that person or to any person. But when I actually am talking to them, the shame takes over. My god, it is so much, hugely much, bigger than me. Fighting that shame is unthinkable. It is laughable. It would be like trying to fight the wind or the rain. I am ashamed of who and what I am. I don’t want anyone to see it. It is essential, more than essential, that no one ever sees it. I protect them and I protect me. I keep thinking I am doing a good thing by taking myself away. Isn’t it the only good thing I ever do. This rambling self-hating narcissism. Thank fuck no one will ever read it.

If I want ‘help’, whatever that is, then J isn’t the person I should ask. I shouldn’t phone him back. I shouldn’t ask him. I have done that many times in the past and it isn’t productive. It’s very unlikely to work out well just now. I have decided. I will stick to this decision for at least five minutes til my feelings and thoughts have their next earthquake and I fall through the fault line. Emo much.