Another month

Another month has gone past. I’ve not done much. In terms of achievements, I’ve done bugger all. I’m sick of only being able to say “well, I’m still alive” and that’s it.

In terms of mental health, I feel like I have little fragments of improvement but still really don’t have a fucking clue. I have had some days where I was intensely and overwhelmingly depressed. The whole shebang flared up and I turned into the little cliched wretch lying in bed, crying off and on, smelling unpleasant as showering was just laughable and leaving the flat or seeing someone in person beyond laughable right down into impossible. I was the depressive thoughts’ bitch again. Then it changed and I had more moderate symptoms. I still have that wish to be dead especially if I think about the future. Or about the past. Or about myself. I spend a lot of time trying not to think. The thoughts seem to be able to start up with the slightest trigger. I find myself speaking them out loud sometimes and I’ve said a few sentences before I even realise it. How is that possible? It owns me. I’ve had some mild manic symptoms but they only lasted a few days. The depersonalization is stronger again. I think that has been going on for a couple of months. It is so insidious that I’ve only been able to pinpoint it once.

Eating hasn’t been good. At the beginning of the month I finally admitted to myself that I’ve relapsed into the binge eating and the addiction is active again. Even writing that has somehow triggered a binge craving in me. I’ve been half-heartedly trying to eat intuitively and I think that does help the binging. If I miss meals, which this time has been because of the exhaustion from the depression rather than dieting, then the cravings ramp up. Really ramp up. If I try and quantify it, I think I have been binging 3-5 times a week. There were some particularly bad days where it was more than once a day. Actually, maybe it is more than 3-5 times a week … it can’t be that bad. The binges aren’t as large as they have been. Supermarkets are becoming more and more problematic which isn’t good as I live alone. I’ve also weighed myself (fantastic plan) and I am the heaviest I have ever been at 17 stone 4lbs which is a BMI of 40.9. My body image isn’t good but certainly isn’t as bad as it has been in the past. The intense, active hatred that used to motivate me to hurt myself and to diet isn’t there anymore. I don’t know if I hate my body anymore though I certainly don’t like it or love it.

My ex-boyfriend has been visiting me and taking me out. I sleep with him sometimes. I don’t know how I feel about him or how he feels about me. Care in the community, perhaps? It felt so bizarre to have that distant brightening of desire again so that’s why I slept with him. That and I wanted company. Spending time with him helped so much to push me out of the depressive thoughts. I w0rry that I am using him. I can’t possibly be of any benefit to him.

My rats have been ill.

Appointment with the psychiatrist.

Feeling closer to D.

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