Yesterday I was all enthusiastic about restricting and planning my binges. Ha. Fucked that up. I wasn’t ‘supposed’ to eat until dinner time today after yesterday’s binge. I got to half three or so this afternoon and I don’t really know what happened but I even as I was saying to myself “I can stop doing this” the binge food was going in my mouth. So I felt the craving (which, if I’m honest, is kind of exciting especially compared to my boring existence) and ate. I ended up eating over three quarters of the giant packet of jaffa cakes which is 1100-1200 calories. I didn’t finish it and didn’t eat the other packet of biscuits. I didn’t even try to make myself sick.
Other than the fasting, I think a big trigger was that S, my support worker, had to cancel our appointment this afternoon. I hadn’t planned to be in the house this afternoon when my hunger would be at it’s worst. Though I wasn’t looking forward to being out if I was feeling bad. Also there are a lot of random triggers in town like walking past places selling binge food.
I felt pretty bad physically after binging. I’ve been so unbelievably thirsty since yesterday’s binge. It was really horrible in bed last night. There must be so much salt in that junk. I feel a bit better now I’ve had lots of water and some paracetamol for the headache.
I don’t think I’m being hard enough on myself after I binge. My inner voice said some pretty harsh stuff to myself about failing yet again and never being able to do anything but I should hit harder. Should I? Shouldn’t I be more compassionate to someone who feels so bad that they are binge eating? Be nice to myself like B, my psychologist, says. I feel so confused.