Relief

Something, either the latest medication risperidone and duloxetine or lack of quetiapine or coincidence, has really changed this last week. I have got up and dressed every day. It wasn’t even that big a deal and things didn’t feel like a fight. It was just straightforward: get up, get dressed. I’ve met up with friends and I’ve talked to people. In short, I think I’m coming out of this depression.

The relief I feel at the lack of symptoms is unbelievable. I can really feel the space that they took up. It’s fading now but I want to remember hence writing it down. It was like when the agitation from the mixed episode left and when the psychotic and depersonalization symptoms left. There is me inside my head. Well me and some negative thoughts but they don’t seem to be able to get the grip like they did before. I feel like I can push them away and like I have a choice.

I have depersonalization again. It turned up on Wednesday which fits in with idea that quetiapine helped that symptom. It feels like a separate thing at the moment not like it’s integral to me as it has in the past. That’s another thing I want to remember. I must ask my psychiatrist about depersonlization tomorrow and find out more about it. I may only have a short time to act before it gets a grip again.

I have started making plans for the future again. I didn’t see past the next day or week at a push before. I’m thinking about education and doing voluntary work. My god, me! I think it’s possible that I can do something useful with my life, maybe even something I’d be proud of. It’s upsetting as well thinking about these things. It always provokes “why haven’t I done anything yet?” and “I don’t have anything to show for my life”. The negative thoughts still have a hold on me. But I do have some things to show for me life: people I’ve helped and pets I’ve nursed and had fun with. I want more though. I want a job. I want to be able to introduce myself to people and not feel ashamed.

That’s not just about getting a job though. I will have to accept that all this mental illness has happened to me and that it isn’t ALL my fault. I have made some definitely bad choices and I’ve made some easy choices that really didn’t help. I have a mood disorder of some sort and I did not create my genetic predisposition to it. I had no control over that. I had no control over what I experienced as a child. So, not all my fault.

I feel like I have to ask, am I going hypomanic? I’m sleeping much less but I’m fucking exhausted when I haven’t slept much. Being sleep deprived doesn’t elevate my mood like it did before. I did felt restless and agitated last night but 5mg of diazepam made me really sedated and I slept well for six hours plus the two hour nap yesterday. So no, I don’t think I’m hypomanic.

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