I think I might just have worked up enough motivation at last. If I can go and buy the carbamazepine tablets tomorrow I can be dead by Monday. It would be better if I also had full two month amounts of my current medication but I didn’t go and get that today. My doctor has told me a few times he’d feel bad if I overdosed on the medication that he prescribes me. The stuff I’m on just now isn’t much use in overdose (there’s a coincidence) – the only thing that would have been useful is the diazepam. I have quite a lot of that already but even more certainly wouldn’t hurt. I really don’t want to be conscious once all the carbamazepine kicks in.

I’m alone and I always will be alone. I can’t connect with people anymore. That used to be one of the few things I was good at but it’s gone now. My life is too abnormal and bizarre to normal people and that gap is not fixable. There is so much that isn’t fixable and I can’t ever put things right. I know it’s wrong for me to commit suicide because that will hurt my family and friends in a way that is permanent. It’s just more proof that something like me should not be alive.


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