One of the many things that I regret is that I didn’t try hard enough. The main one is that I didn’t try hard enough to get my degree. I really could have done more. There were so many times that I was given yet another chance only to fuck it up yet again. One of the major things was that I just didn’t get out of bed and go to classes. How hard is to just get out of bed? It was so utterly pathetic. It’s so horrible to think how different my life would be now if I had only got out of bed.
Not getting out of bed is something I do a lot. Today I didn’t get up until about 4pm. Yesterday it was about 6pm. I don’t get dressed and go outside unless I have to and usually that means an appointment with a doctor or nurse. One of my new year resolutions was to see someone every week who wasn’t a doctor/nurse or my boyfriend. How pathetic is that. And what’s worse is that I have rarely kept to it.
I’ve been on quetiapine for eight weeks and sedation is a common side-effect. That had been improving for me but in the last fortnight or so I have just given up putting any effort into getting up. I like that quetiapine knocks me out. I am always asleep within an hour and a half of taking it. If I’m not lying down then I have to go and lie down. It’s great in that respect and also in that it makes it much easier to spend as much time as possible asleep. I don’t want to be awake.
I’d be dead if I had a choice. It’s complete shit that I have a choice about killing myself. I know what a suicide does to a family. So instead I get this so my family and friends don’t have to feel bad. I resent it hugely. They can sympathise but then they can go and do something else. I don’t get to leave except when I’m asleep.