First post

This is something I’ve been meaning to start for months or maybe years. Journalling is supposed to give you insight into your life and fuck me but do I need that. Currently my life is stuck. That’s the easiest one word summary for just now.

I have done some terrible things for which I feel guilty and ashamed. Are there other words? They don’t seem enough. I’ve had some amazing opportunities that I have wasted and now am bitterly disappointed.

I have bipolar I disorder. I’m still quibbling a bit about the exact diagnosis but in one form or another it’s here to stay. That last sentence’s lightness hid the fact that I did not take the news of my diagnosis well. I guessed it first and the psychiatrist confirmed it. For a few years I even congratulated myself on getting on well with taking the tablets and learning about the disorder. Then I actually realised I was kidding myself and I now whenever I have to talk about “my bipolar disorder” I say what I’m expected to but I don’t believe it.

I did well at school and went to medical school. I even did well at medical school at first and got distinctions in first and second year. That’s it though. I dropped out after attempting final year three times. Ironically I got a merit for the last attachment I did. I have done nothing since. No job.

One of the many things that upsets me is when I meet someone and they ask “what do you do?” I don’t have an answer for that and it makes me feel so ashamed. If I hadn’t fucked up all those chances then I’d be able to say “I’m a doctor”. Not having a career feels less painful than it did but I am doing nothing to change anything. I don’t have a choice.

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