From yellow journal

February 27, 2000

What on earth am I going to do? I’ve moved now, into MS. It isn’t bad. In fact its quite nice here but I hate to think what other people think of me moving back into ‘halls’. So fearful of what other people think. At least its warm, dry and clean and well-maintained. But I haven’t started working. In fact I’m still falling behind, not even keeping up with current work. I can feel this kind of pressure inside me whenever I think about it. And I’ve heard from several people now that medicine is a very bad idea for anyone with mental problems. I feel like I should just bow out gracefully now, get it over with. God, I’m still young. I could marry and have children and go down that route, totally different from university, my grades at school chose it for me. Everyone assumed I was going to university and only showed me how to do that. Surely my whole personality is wrong to be a doctor. I want to feel needed so I’ll end up over-burdening myself and burn out which will let everyone down and leave a huge mess. But I think I actually want to be a doctor now. Before it didn’t seem real, like it was so far away it wasn’t actually happening or at least not worth worrying about. Perhaps I should just leave this year. At least if I started again I’d be able to do it properly. I hate not doing things properly and I think that’s at least partly why I can’t get going now. It’s all such an irrepairable mess that I just don’t want anything to do with it anymore. So why don’t I become a mother and have a beautiful baby to care for? Because that isn’t doing it properly either – when I have children I want to have my own big house with enough money not to have to want for anything important. A nicely decorated house with a garden and a dog. I’m a lot more materialistic than I should be – in fact I am seriously materialistic because I don’t think a romantic love relationship with Mr Right actually needs to figure in that dream-house at all. Just someone reliable and calm. A good father, I don’t particularly want a fantastic lover or even a lover at all. Dump sex. I’m sick of it. If I felt better about how I look then I’d probably be into sex more but there you are. I’m not and it isn’t high on the list of priorities. Do I want to finish this year at university or find some other alternative? I suppose that depends on the alternatives. Drop out of this year and work, then repeat third year. Continue this year but plan to sit the resit. Change course entirely – that is practically the same as dropping out now. Or stay and get the fucking work done.


From yellow journal

February 1, 2000

New journal, new start and all that sort of thing! I’m in a hotel room which is very nice and far too expensve for me to afford. I need to come to some decisions. I’ve already decided to move out of S’s flat. I shall try to move into MS as soon as possible. If that isn’t available I’ll ask the accommodation office what they have available. I must have my own room – and I don’t want catering, do I? Apparently the food is awful. And going into catered halls is far too much like being a first year. Do I really care what people think that much? Where it is and whether it is single should be the first priority. I can go to C and phone the Accommodation office from there. If the university doesn’t have anything at all suitable then I will have to go round all the notice boards and find somewhere that way. If I have to get a private place then it will take more time. I shall ask Dad about the car. If I have a car then wherever I live I won’t be isolated. I felt MS was too far from S’s flat but with a car it would be great. I’d be a lot more inclined to go and visit people if I had a car. Also no more walking home carrying shopping in the rain. Actually probably no more walking home full stop! :-) Then I should get myself moved as soon as possible – push to move in quickly. Once I’ve done as much as I can on that score I must organised a timetable of study. That will be fun. But S is right, it is doable and better than repeating third year. Also I am almost decided on doing an further degree – possibly anatomy or physiology. At some stage I’ll find out the timetables and what they actually involve. Right, best get some sleep for tomorrow.